The "[name] needs" lists...

because they're amusing and ubiquitous. There are plenty of nondescript ones like, "Jessie needs a home," so I'll skip those. Here goes for me and the siblings:

"Jessie needs to be audited by the IRS, like everyone else would had they kept the same lousy accounting records for a 'non-profit' org."
"Jessie needs the help of the powerful and secretive unicorns to save both our world and the Realm."
"Jessie needs some monster essence to make a potion."
"JESSIE NEEDS HELP TO RID THE TOWN OF THESE WEREWOLVES, BUT WHO SHOULD SHE BELIEVE IN?"
"Jessie needs a wish stone, which means she must make a very treacherous journey."
"Jessie needs a hot story to propel her career into overdrive."
"Jessie needs proof of non-suicide for the insurance."
"Jessie needs him for the most important decision of her life -- she wants a baby."
"Jessie needs a series of shots once a month to protect her from the RSV virus during the winter months."

"Leah needs to shed the pounds and the sooner the better."
"Leah needs emergency surgery."
"Leah needs donations for that operation she has been saving up for."
"Leah needs more DOMESTIC wine to decide."
"Leah needs to learn the green cross code."
"Leah needs attention every waking hour and when it does not find her, she will find it."

"Alden needs to put an ear to the ground and determine what sort of vibe is floating around his football team."
"Alden needs to slap him with a reality check."
No other good ones for him. :-(

"Ian needs to address this idolatrous nature of modern science and capitalism."
"Ian needs a wife merely to secure his fortune, but in Felicity he has met his match in both wit and passion."
"Ian needs to be accessible at all times."
"Ian needs to wash his mouth out with soap after that one."
"Ian needs to step back and assess his affliction more carefully."
"Ian needs skilled round-the-clock nursing care."
"Ian needs someone to let a whole lot of sunshine into his affairs, both online and offline (HA)."
"Ian needs to find the man responsible for putting Sandra in a coma."

"Chris needs to look up the definition of 'traitor'."
"Chris needs to give me cancer."
"Chris needs to ditch the macaroni jewelry."
"Chris needs a transfusion."
"Chris needs to e-mail the secret service and offer to post their results."
"Chris needs to visit closets and do closet connections next week."
"Chris needs to raise £2600 to take part and is appealing to kind-hearted readers to support his fundraising efforts for deaf children."
"Chris needs to develop a little more to crack the Mustang rotation, but will be in the bullpen making an impact."